It's what I think you do that matters: Comparing self, partner, and shared perspectives of what a romantic partner does to regulate your emotions.

Romantic partners routinely regulate each other’s emotions; this phenomenon is known as extrinsic emotion regulation. Previous research investigating emotion regulation in couples has typically examined self-report of emotion regulation from only one member of the couple. It is therefore unclear how much romantic partners agree on which emotion regulation strategies their partner uses and whether this agreement or the unique perspective of each person is the stronger predictor of relationship quality. In the current study (N=395 romantic couples), we applied a bifactor model to assess the extent to which extrinsic emotion regulation processes (expressive suppression, downward social comparison, humor, distraction, direct action, reappraisal, receptive listening, and valuing) related to relationship quality, comparing: a) the unique perspective of the regulator, b) the unique perspective of the target, and c) the shared perspective (consensus) between the target and regulator. The results indicated that it is the target’s, rather than the regulator’s perspective of emotion regulation that predicts the relationship quality of both members of the romantic couple. Overall, these findings suggest that it is not what the regulator thinks they do to regulate their romantic partner’s emotions that relates to relationship quality, but rather the target’s perceptions of the regulation attempt.